a plus on my b h journals.
that feels nice.
when i pulled mine from the pile, liam looked at the front cover, the blue yarn binding, and then he looked at me and said
o, those are YOURS.
like it all just came together.
i was wearing some ridiculous getup that included turquoise socks, robin hood boots, my rainbow frock, and the folk dancing children sweater. probably i was wearing my beret. maybe i was wearing two scarves.
god only knows what he was thinking.
i feel like i'm getting my life together. i feel like i'm getting ready
for something.
i've decided i'm going to go to gabriola this weekend whether or not i finish this last art history paper by the third because my professor handed out the questions today and was so kind as to give us an extention until the 10th. i'll finish before then regardless, but it's still nice to have that time. that cushion. which i will spend partying at the boat launch. thanks, carolyn.
anyway, things await me at the gyro.
i just know it.


dear life,
i had planned on doing nothing today, but i wound up being a very busy cat,
even though the weather was poopy.
that's what i get, five days before the end
isn't it.
let's recap, shall we. i
ate three meals today, or more
went to the office
did an art history reading
put three weeks worth of laundry, or more, through the wash
finished my b h project
watched, um, three? episodes of six feet under
wrote a letter
burned the letter
with intent.

today, my tarot card is judgement.
it's been a strange day, and a hard one, and this
seems fitting.
"Judgement signifies the start of a new journey, guided by lessons learned in the past. It represents the culmination of your life's experiences and is about rebirth and resurrection. It is time to face demons from the past and make a fresh start using a clean slate. Make that final decision that will finally plunge you into a new situation."
hm. how bout that.
well, what can i tell you.
my eyes are sore
from so much seeing
(all three of them)
but i'm ready.
i'm ready.


dear b h,
as my final project for you,
i am writing and illustrating a children's book.
i hope you like it because
it's too late now.


last night, in a dream
i was in a shopping centre, of all places, with my dad, and it was closing and i think we were in new york city and it had so many floors and we were near the top and the car was in the underground parking and my dad put me into an elevator and said he'd meet me down there. as soon as i pushed the button it became apparent that we were on floor 8 of the shopping centre, and the elevator just dropped down, as if there was no cable. it whooshed down past the underground parking and i saw, for one, second, my father waving. i smushed my whole body face-in to the back right corner and squeezed my eyes shut and plugged my ears and waited for the impact
but there was none.
i just kept falling and falling until
i was levitating

and then i opened my eyes and it was


a sobering day. yes.
strange, maybe, considering how high i was earlier, but i had to come back down eventually.
everything always does.
today i've been knitting a pair of socks that i'll finish tomorrow in the business of writing.
also, i finally cleaned up the mess in this apartment left over from all those papers. i feel a lot better about life now that i've done that. hopefully this is starting to happen in my brain, too.
mind squalor.
and now that i'm down this is my chance.
i'm peacing out
underground for a while.
this doesn't have any negative connotations, as such.
right. now,
where is my galena?
where are the lost parts
of my soul?
i'ma come getchou.


look out, my cats,
there is a big storm out there


i have sunday syndrome
and a paper
due tomorrow.
that i need to write.
this hasn't happened since last year, i don't think.
there's a reason for that.
here i thought i learned my lesson.
looks like not.
well then, here we are.
you made this bed, chelsea.
now die in it.
the flying bulgar klezmer band doesn't really seem appropriate
for this kind of blog post, so i'll instead of changing the song i'll try and change my tone.
how's that
how's that learning.
anyway, i always revel in it, the morning after.
the senseless surrender to exhaustion.
senseless release.

i predicted this would be a funny weekend.
i was right.
i dressed for the occasion
o yes i did
in a big fat rainbow
both days long.
on saturday: all the hot colours.
red orange yellow catsuit.
and today: all the cool.
periwinkle leggings.
when exactly will all of this merge
like two triangles and form a star of david
around my heart?
these are interesting questions. the tarot's not really talking.
but someone's listening to me.
this morning i trambled into town wearing my one dollar frock from the gyro and carrying
a big fallen branch and i felt a little funny about it so i planted it
in the tree bathtub outside the seven eleven on douglas and then later,
while i was having a cancer with a little cat this ninety-five year old woman jaunters by
and she's dressed in all of my same colours
(turquoise sweatpants, purple windbreaker, blue socks, hand knit hat) and she's grinning at me with all of her wizened teeth and she's holding
and i was like, lady, i don't know who you are, but i like you.
and this morning at bubby's
this enormous man wearing a yellow t-shirt with an enormous yin-yang on it
sneezed on me. and jesus the light was there
reading a book like a docile child.
his little ponytail neighing out behind him.

o god.
this is so hopeless.
i am.
how am i ever going to get any work done until this is settled?
how am i ever going to get this settled?

(dear chelsea,
this is the universe calling.
do you remember me? it's been a long time, i know.
anyway, i just wanted to give a ring because
i need to give you a message.
the message is
cool your jets.
i know this is really hard for you to understand and you might pince your little pincers at me, but
this is my bee eff eff for ever one hundred percent true advice for you.
there's only so much work you can do, you know. there is only so much to be said for
agency. for interrupting
my process.
and it's not like you're being a nuisance or anything,
you're just kind of in my way)


these last days i've found i'm always trying
to get somewhere in the middle
of a storm


just now,
across the street from my house,
i saw a man push a hysterical woman
into a bush.

i wonder why, all of a sudden, am i bearing witness
to all this violence.


just hi

says my mom.
just thinking about you and wanted to say hi. Hope all is well. and things are proceeding according to the laws of the universe.
I looked up theosophy...this sounds very interesting.
I am enjoying the green tea with honey.
Love, Mom

what a funny day this has been.


today i thought i was going to lose my mind.
so i took my tax forms to the accountant and put two pairs of boots into the cobbler and
did a little bit of homework, actually, and rode my bike
and made a new earring.
i feel only slightly better.
in the mean time, she said back in june,
do a lot of projects.


you guys.
this is getting unbearable.
i have never been so fucking restless in my whole fucking life and
i can't take it anymore!
if there was a class called
walking around at night so you don't
claw your skin off
i would take it.
and i would get an a.
plus plus.

i'm sure you know what i'm talking about.

apparently the moon is in scorpio right now?
it explains some things, sure.
folks are getting rather feisty round these parts.
god if i could see
through the walls in this house
who knows what i would see.

there was a big scene tonight, on the porch.
a police van, an ambulance. so much yelling.
leave me ALONE!
plaintive wail. like the night
we found that cat.
mushed eye and the driver too
it was black
i couldn't see
and us, roadkill
in our stomachs and trying to find a vet
in the phone book in the

it's only just evening now so i saw everything.
there were handcuffs and by the end he wasn't
even kicking
and the van drove away,
his ball cap left on the road
and i just wanted to tell her,
you need to hold him like a hurt animal.
you need to hold him like that
in your mind.

outside it is clear light. this sky another ocean
and those first stars
its floating bones.

they said last night after i birthed
the cork out of a bottle of wine
you're being a little dramatic.
don't you think?
and i don't know what i think but here is what i know
so much for my annotated bibliography
so much for sobriety
so much for my gpa
all i can think about is
bunny hearts
beat beat beat

(o, it always feels the same)


on the weather

you brought this, chelsea,
now you walk in it.


dear cee bee pee--
i like you less right now than i ever have.
you can expect to hear about this on are em pee dot com
because this is injustice, not just whining.
--cee ell are


i would jump into the sea for you,

in winter.

i knew it would happen,


dear printer,
it's me, chelsea.
i have a big favor to ask you.
i know you're really grumpy, but so am i and it's final project time, which means i have so much to do, like cobble together a ten page annotated bibliography and design the launch poster and write a paper about carr and o'keeffe and theosophy and make up a meditation about alternate realities in bosch's garden of earthly delights and
i would really appreciate it if you would just work. i don't know why this keeps happening, but if i've done something to upset you, i really hope you'll just tell me what it is so we can put our differences aside and cooperate, at least for the time being.
love always.


last notes

a cat fight behind my house.
ow ow ow ow
a car alarm in the distance.
last night my dreams were full of women, but not necessarily in a good way.
i woke up groggy and thankful it was only nine thirty until i realized it's daylight savings.
blessing and curse. i'll be glad at 19.00, when it's still light out.
i have to do work today, but the long and the short of it is
i don't want to.


dear universe,
last night in a dream
a black cat catted up to me. i took a white candlestick
and put it in the cat's mouth. i lit the candle and the cat
held it between its teeth, and when the wick burned all the way
down, the cat swallowed the flame and its eyes burned out from the inside.
and the cat just sat there staring at me through the holes where its eyes had been,
candle wax pussing out of them.
what does this mean? was the cat me?
should i be scared? i feel scared.


you know when you have something to do and you really don't want to do it so you don't do it and don't do it and don't do it until finally there is no time left to not do it, so you just do it, begrudgingly, but it winds up going so much better than you expected?
that happened to me today. and just as i did it, the sun came out for realz.
thanx, universe.


tonight, after dinner, instead of doing homework,
i made drawings. my coffee table has art supplies
and rocks all over it.
and now, a test
it is 21.38. will chelsea
a) do more homework, or
b) go to bed?

my answer is obviously b).
o well.
zero out of one.


well well.
february went out with a big
way stead.
here is my song for the asking