i am a sad cat.
i pleaded red river rebellion troubles and flaked out of work today. i should have just stayed in bed instead of attempting to do anything, but instead i ran around all day attempting to do everything and the only thing i succeeded in doing was creating several large and difficult to clean messes.
i took a half-hour shavasana in yoga and fell asleep.
i bought a loaf of cascadia stone bread at the market and made soup from scratch when i got home.
the soup didn't make me feel better even though i hoped it would.
i need to go to bed right. now. and i need to sleep for one thousand years.


ok. april has officially become the
chelsea will sleep when she's old
this is more true every single day.

last night. lol. it began innocuously enough?
(they always do)

i'm trying to finish this poem i've been working on off and on all week because my attention span doesn't exist right now, and ckua is playing big yellow taxi, and the sun is out, and everything is horrible, but you know, it's all ok too.


so i had to work tonight, but it was ok

because i came home drunk and high to a loaf of bubby rose's whole wheat on my doorstep and

the maltwood snuck me into the ani concert for
on earth day
and they gave me a fantastic seat
and who should be sitting right beside me in the auditorium but
marie fucking vance!
who was back in town for one night only.

yeah. sometimes i think the universe puts me through such hard times so it can justify giving me days like this one.

ani played you had time.
she NEVER plays you had time.
she played gravel and anticipate and napoleon and untouchable face,
and it doesn't beat the first time i saw her
but it was fucking good.
it was fucking good.

you're a sly little cat, universe, but i like it.


"all the funerals roll together and become one big funeral"

since wednesday a lot of things have happened:

tim lilburn/daphne marlatt
steve price final
five hours to vancouver
big queer dance party?
2 am check-in at the columbia hotel
9 am check-out at the columbia hotel
three hours at the vancouver art gallery
five hours to victoria
uvic visual arts grad show

all in rapid succession.
by yesterday i was so underslept and so overstimulated i felt stoned.
i didn't feel like i was stoned. i felt like i was being stoned.
everything moved as i blinked and i couldn't do anything except lay down because just standing was cause for falling down so i had to call janine and tell her i couldn't help her pick out her glasses and i had to call isa and tell her i couldn't go to her seder, crying, both times. such a disappointment when my body fails my brain.
janine told me to call her if i needed anything.
isa said
you poor baby!
came to my house twenty minutes later with a bottle of cold-fx
told me to take three now and three before i go to sleep,
said she would call me in the morning to arrange a time for leftover delivery.
i'll bring you the whole seder, she said.
listen to your surrogate mother, she said.

cold-fx is non-drowsy and i woke up every single hour.
i'm still not even convinced i have the flu, but who am i to disobey a jewish woman who went to all that trouble.
i think i just need to eat a decent meal. be still for a while.
so i will roll a joint to the vinyl cafe and breakfast at the bakery and read at the sea.
four twenty. yes indeed.

my dad just called.
i'm at bob's, he said.
i have a dog, a cat. the dog's gotten me into lots of trouble already
but he's a good lady-catcher.

lady-catcher. lol.
i could use one of those right now.
all i want to do is find you. get you high. get you so, so high.
but i don't know where the fuck you are.
i want to write you a letter.
i'm going insane!
xo, she wrote, last time i knew where she lived.


a lesson in crackpot fortune-telling:

the hafez date man speaks to me
in parables:
You have a good star in your fate
travelling is useful for you do not let
everybody, good or bad, know of
your secrets.
If someone takes action against you,
take good action for him in return.

the tarot calls you
a ruthless and selfish woman.

the hafez date man has shiny cheek bones.
his name a script
across his chest by a foreign hand,
gentle fingers,
slender quill.

the hafez date man wears his silk
suncoloured like lawrence of arabia---

the tarot planted you in the future
like a hex and the future
is fenced by swords and crosses.

the tarot answered my questions
with questions, and

i look at the hafez date man
for clues. the havez date man looks
at the future: swords and crosses.
he would walk there anyway.
he would take a weapon
out of the ground.
he would use it
to make a gate.


today was the day of the handing in of the two enormous papers.
last thursday this time, i was like,
oh. no. this week is going to KICK. MY. ASS.
and i think it did, a little, but the thing is,
i've been so inebriated all week i don't even feel it.
today, i've already been drunk once, and now,
apparently, i am going to get drunk again,
and my life is just going to get progressively more insane from here on out.
bring it.
bring it the fuck on.
that's all i have to say about it.
ten four?


if you ask me what's wrong i'll tell you
i'm only scowling
because the sun is in my eyes
and all the roots i'm pulling
are coming up


woke up, it was a chelsea morning and the first thing that i saw

was the tree outside my window
with all its blooms ajar

it's spring it's SPRING
it's spriiiiiiiinnnnnnng
and i am stoned. to the bone.
i'm so glad i'm one of these kids who can just smoke a bowl and then sit down and write papers
pull off an a average.
but sersiously, these papers
are bull shit.
(what did you just say?
i don't remember what i just said.
that i get STONED all the time. that's buuuuuuuulll shit.)
discourse. that's what they are. so much discourse
(miscourse i don't like thiscourse)
and theory
smear it in your brain
till the words are bleary).
and you know, fine. i got myself into this and now i have to get myself out
but i've learned an important lesson, and that lesson is:
if electives are supposed to be fun, why in hell's half acre am i not taking visual art courses.
why am i not using university to make art all. the time.
i want to make art all the time.
make art ride my bike do yoga.
one day this is how i will live.
overthrow the dominant ideology.
turn the planet upside down.
and they'll all realize that was how it was supposed to be in the first place
before anyone can yell at me.


i have accomplished so many things today and i'm still going to get into bed by eleven o'clock.
excellent excellent
chelsea pay your neighbor for internet
don't forget don't forget.


april feels premature this year; none of the chestnut trees have bloomed yet.
(they are so close)
i also have a really annoying nose drip, which makes me feel like it's still february,
but it's naaaaauuuuuughttttt.
not not not.
so. much. to do. eeee