this is

not a prize. but
you wave it around like
a souvenir, an inflated
party favor from the land
you stand on, the distant
ugly sun you stand under,
the shapes it shadows
beneath you
as if it's somewhere else,
as if i've never been burned by it,
as if it's a blessing
not a compromise.

last quarter over the bay street bridge

the tide is going out, people.
that tide is finally
going out.

i wrote a sestina last night
and when i finished i was like,
this puppy has a long way to go.
but now, now
it all makes sense.
i know where the poem is going.
out.

(i'm drunk on about twelve margaritas
and i'm going to have the worst headache tomorrow
and e
i don't even care becausi'm going to nurse it
with double americano
and clare
and alias grace
and it will be
AWESOME.)

this day was pretty lame
as far as days go.
all this overstimulation is finally catching up,
catching on,
and now i'm shutting down.
say whatever you want about it
but enough is enough.
i need to go to yoga, and i need to cry a lot,
i said.
oh, little kitten,
she said.
what do you have to cry about?
nothing, i said.
all this nothing.

things have happened.
things have broken.
and now i'm sitting here kvetching
because this isn't what i meant.
that's the problem with pronouns.
use them and you can always count
on a communication breakdown.
language barriers.
something doesn't translate
exactly, doesn't mean
the same thing everywhere.

ok.
it's like this:
we put a dime into the machine because it was all we had
and the machine gave us a black gum ball
and that never happens
and we had the best day ever.
um,
processing.
processing.
pyramid land?
drunk on the front steps of a yuppie suburban psychiatrist's office halfway to sidney?
THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE?
space ice cream sandwiches for dinner?
biking for TWELVE HOURS?
WHAT?
AGGGHH.
i am going to be in bed by one a.m.
and this is astounding, considering.
paradigm shift.
that's all there is to it,
on paper.

here we are, summer solstice.
here we are.
my only wish at this moment is that
the sun comes out.
that's the thing about this town.
cloud cover.
oh well. i guess it doesn't matter
because i'm probably going to pass out in sixteen minutes anyway.
all this full moon business is exhausting, man.
it prompted mercury's forward orbit
and now my life is exploding
(or maybe it's just my brain)
but either way i've taken it
and now i'm just shaking
because i swear to god sooner or later something
has to happen. something
has to break.

this afternoon after work i bought two fantastic sewing kits from smoking lily,
came home and started a radioactive octopus doll.
then i loled @ my life and made a cd which i called
absurdism, etc
when the third dimension
is just too much.
and i must have been putting some funny energy into the universe
because while i was making it two policemen knocked on my window
and asked for directions to linden street,
and then when i finished i sat on the porch and all of a sudden
a raccoon waddled down the sidewalk at high speed
because it was being followed not too closely by another raccoon
which was waddling also, and squeaking.
and then i came inside and my period started.
just like that. at ten pm.
i figured the universe was like,
ok chelsea. you think the third dimension is too much now?
just you wait. just you wait until you see what i can do.
and THEN when i went to put a little red dot on my calendar
i remembered it's full moon time.
yes indeed.
you're funny, universe.
yes indeed.

missed misha today in favor of a yuppie, overpriced dinner with acquaintances
and i don't know how i feel about it.
actually,
i do know how i feel about it
and i feel icky.
so, a note:
dear chelsea,
never skip wednesday night yoga.
ever.
under any circumstances.
ok?
ok.
love,
chelsea.
on the bright side,
i finally cobbled some semblance of a class schedule together
during my last half hour of work
and it's going to be FUNNY.
poems.
films.
emily carr.
the end.
this year is going to be funny.
or something.
insane.
yeah, that's probably it.
right now i feel like my life can't get much crazier
but i have a feeling that i am so so wrong.
(after all,
you are out there somewhere
and soon you're coming back)

this is what i believe.

(a palendrome)

the stone, the rainbow
fractals reflecting a sun
you can't see because you look out of it.
i believe the diamond that supersaturated
your other eye, where the prisms crystalled
later like salt gardens.
i believe this--these reefs skirted by
manatees,
harmless somnamubulists
in your blind spots--
becuase there's always the danger they'll swim
into something, there's always the danger
something will explode open.

something will explode open
into something. there's always the danger
because there's always the danger they'll swim
in your blind spots--
harmless somnambulists,
manatees.
i believe this: these reefs skirted by
later like salt gardens;
your other eye, where the prisms crystalled.
i believe the diamond that supersaturated
(you can't see because you look out of it):
a fractal reflecting a sun,
the stone, the rainbow.

yeah baby

IMGP1592
Originally uploaded by sam(urai).

yeah

recently, i've been waking up saturday mornings progressively more baffled by my life.
this is mostly because recently, my friday nights have become progressively more baffling.
last night, for instance, someone handed each of us a pint of white russian
and that was a bad idea
a bad idea indeed because
the white russian bred sea breezes
and vodka shots and after, beer at the brickyard
at two am where we made a four corner fortune teller
out of my pizza foil.
i knotted my reflective bike sash into a headband
that made me look like keith richards,
if keith richards were a crossing guard and
after i wrote down
puce and cadmium in my five year-old script
i gave her the pen and said pick two colours
and when i saw her writing
chartreuse
in caps
something, somewhere
in some sober corner of my brain said
chelsea, you are in big fucking trouble
but it's ok because you know what?
she's writing that colour
upside down and
so is she.

in the mean time, she said, do a lot of projects.

raaagh so sudden!
so many projects!