is mercury in retrograde yet, or what?

well, here we are.
clear light, people.
twenty twenty.

that's an hour and a half more sun
since march
twenty-first.
you know, just in case
you were wondering.

the chestnut tree outside my house has opened, too, finally.
it's leaves slung down from husks. hand prints splotched all over
the sky.

kindergarten.

you don't get those years back,
they say.
you just don't.
did you use them wisely?
well, i don't know.
let's take inventory.

"don juan said that the nagual elias assured him that the spirit only listened when the speaker speaks in gestures. and gestures do not mean signs or body movements, but acts of true abandon, acts of largesse, of humor. as a gesture for the spirit, sorcerers bring out the best of themselves and silently offer it to the abstract."

"he reminded me that he had taught me how warriors acted in such situations. they did their utmost, and then, without any remorse or regrets, they relaxed and let the spirit decide the outcome."

and i'm sitting here
at twenty thirty-nine
and the only thing i can tell my self is, CHELsea RUSHton.
DO NOT drink one litre
of orangina.
do NOT.

which reminds me of this thing i wrote in my book over winter break:
i wish i could drink a litre of egg nog.

MY MOM BOUGHT 2 LITRES OF EGG NOG

and from september:
my superego runs a pretty tight ship.
the id just got sloshed with mop water.

what can i say about cycles.
four months. another trimester,
right?
and it's funny that these are the things i find i've noted down when i go looking for patterns.
it's funny that so little is actually said about
feelings because in this family
so little is said and
there's no going back and
nothing can be done

but these are the times i remember, you know,
when i circle back around.
when i take inventory.
these are the times i'll remember when i think about
university.
and i think about myself in ten years marvelling that these were never actually the times
that something happened. they were the times,
afterward, that i realized it, that i had to stop
and figure out what to do next.

the rest is just too impossible to decipher.
ten puzzles
jumbled together.

it's probably also worth noting that right now, every lamp in my house is
on.

AGH god go figure
today i have the death card.