your attempts are illusory and you don't even know it

second-last night
alone
in the haunted house
i was wondering when
this would all sink in
and i should have guessed
it would be about now.

by sunday afternoon i'll be on gabriola island.
by sunday night i'll be drunk
on caesars and chain smoking
on brenda's porch, probably.
none of this is anything
i haven't done before.
none of this requires explanation.

on the bright side
i have a job to go back to.
a job i actually want.
in the mean time,
i don't know.
i'll listen to a lot of indigo girls.
i'll get there.
and by the time i get back
to calgary,
everything will be (closer to) fine.

this, i know, is wishful thinking.