i love how my universal solution to life this semester is
take a zyprexa.
read some emily carr.
go to sleep.

january has been a month of intense self-work.
february probably will be, too.
it's tiring, you know.

i...have a crush on a boy.

i was so all set to write my english 462 paper tonight and, you know, get ahead and feel productive and not procrastinate my life away, but it just didn't happen. i've managed to push my all of my academic deadlines for the week back by one day so i can avoid doing work tonight based on the fact that somehow it's already quarter to eleven and i'm iron deficient and i just drank a pot of spearmint-lavender tea and my uterus is colicky, and really, when it comes right down to it, i can only spend so much time per day puzzling through socialism as a possible solution to our global ecologic crisis, and i have already reached my quota.
congratulations, chelsea, you are the laziest university student alive.

the last few nights i've been in bed by eleven.
i can't even tell you how nice this is.
falling asleep early. waking just as the sun comes up.
the only problem is i keep dreaming of the earthquake.

last night after the lecture,

she took the little cheese knife and started to slice the pointy part off the wedge of brie in a great triangular chunk.
oh my god! i said, already drunk on the punch. you can't do that. you have to slice it from the side!
i can do whatever the fuck i want, she said.
and i apologized because of course she can (she always does) but i was still annoyed she didn't listen.

fancy that.

today, my tarot reading and my horoscope both told me the same thing.
i am supposed to start preparing for a new cycle in my life.
that sounds so promising.
i feel like there are doors opening everywhere.

today it was sunny, but

my dad just told me our friend died on a beach in mexico
and my mom just told me i got a speeding ticket for one hundred and three dollars.

(richard, i never told you this but
i loved you
because your wool sweaters always smelled like sweat)

these days

i can get high three times from one bowl.
pot is lasting a long time.
the tarot won't give me a straight answer.
i bet the answer is contingent on something
but i don't know what it is.
don't lie, chelsea. yes you do.
i took the night to be by myself in between houseguests.
i was supposed to be asleep two hours ago but i stayed up
because this is the first night all month i haven't
been scared to be alone in the dark.
as a result, i'm thinking about things
like the difference between music videos from the nineties and music videos from the
twenty-first century.
like how tribute bands have only been established based on bands of a certain era.
the bee gees. abba.
/
i was walking down government street on my way to yoga
this afternoon and there was this music playing.
and i thought i was just having an auditory hallucination,
but then i looked down the street and there was this jeep
parked in front of the strip club
and it was moving. the jeep was moving.
like, wiggling. not rolling.
i got closer and the music got louder
so i looked at the people in the jeep and
it's these two thugs who were blasting
stayin' alive by the bee gees
with all their windows down and they were dancing in their seats SO HARD.
and then, in yoga, i watched the sun set!
the sky cleared up for like, two hours and turned the whole studio gold.

the first line of my cbc poetry face off poem is
believe in omens.

a secret:

sometimes i miss you so much i don't even know how i'm still alive.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLANS THEY SENT YOU.

i have so much work to do, but right now i am doing nothing. i am watching videos of darth vader on the internet.
someone tell me why the fuck i am watching
videos
of darth vader
on the internet.

ok.
the oc soundtracks are the best stoner music ever.
i don't know how i haven't figured this out already.

i don't know what the universe thinks it's doing right now, but it's really funny.

so apparently i have a thing for french women?
square hands, bone-white berets. striped sweaters. alert scapulae.
(i didn't leave the room until he finished attendance just so i could hear your name)

today i had to spend half my yoga class in shavasana.
i have to stop trying to accomplish everything to compensate for my sadness.
january is henceforth the
chelsea picks her battles
month.
now that that's been established, i am going to bed
with a pot of ginger and honey philosopher's brew for my upset stomach,
and emily carr's book of small for my upset brain.

i want a cookie from bubby rose's bakery right now. a big one.
my life is currently the three of swords, upside down.

I JUST GOT UBUNTU AND MY PRINTER TO COOPERATE.
this is a big deal.

just so you know,

this isn't what i wanted.

so it's new year's day night

and i'm back in chelsea hotel and i'm kind of drunk and
i saw a raccoon on my way home from the pub.
this is only the second raccoon i've ever seen, and the first
was on another night, a night of other firsts, when i was drunk
on something else, and i don't know.
maybe it's nothing, but maybe the universe is just a sly little cat.
either way, it feels like a bookend. and i like it there.
this is where it has to be.